soooo I think tomorrow I'm going to weigh myself for the first time in a very long time...I'm scared.
Today has been a good day so far. I've only eaten 245 calories, but I don't know what dad is going to make me eat for dinner. Hopefully I won't go over the 600 calorie a day range. I hate it when my mom makes a delicious looking desert. She made strawberry chiffon pie, but I didn't eat any. So I think I'm doing pretty good for first day.
I ran today for 20 minutes, or 4 times around the track at school. I also ran up and down our staircase like 10 times, and did crunches, push ups, and stretching. I just wish I was super skinny right now..

It's spring break. Spring break is always a hard time, cause I'm at home all day staring at the food. I just won't think about it. It doesn't deserve to be thought of. I'll just go make some tea..to fill myself up. And some water.

So my day started off like this; I woke up at 9, and then my friend called( I have a feeling she's anorexic, but I'm not going to say anything about it) to say that we weren't going to be able to meet bc one of my other friends has to do something family related.
OH SHOOT! I just remembered..my g-mas coming over for dinner, with easter candy, and I don't know how I'm going to manage to not eat. Anyway, I'll figure it out.
So then I woke up and had a 1)capoccino. about 100 calories.
2) about 2 bowls of shredded wheat. dammit. 550 calories.
soooo..about 650 calories. But then I have soccer practice this afternoon..always an intense workout,
Although I am afraid that if I lost weight too fast, I'll be too weak to play. Plus if I get mal-nurished. hmmm..
can't be helped.
I'm hoping to get my calorie intake down to 500 calories a day, with fasting in between. I can do it, because I have done it before. I know it.
So today I'm hoping to read this book "Cry the beloved country", and do homework, then go to soccer, then start on this huge history project. I'd also like to get in some core violin practincing, and piano practicing, and clean my room, and start writing a hymn for a contest( prize: 250 dollars; think about all the clothes I could buy with that! Of course, after I get down to 100 lbs.)

11:50 pm
Dammit. Shit. Stupid fucking grandmas and their stupid fucking Easter candy.

Well, right now I'm 16 and have had anorexia in and off for about 3 years. It started when I was 13, and needed to lose weight. I lost it, and then couldn't stop losing more. I would have lost a lot more, my thinking was that if I looked thin at 89 lbs, I would look a whole lot thinner( and better) at 80 lbs, but my weight loss plans were put to a stop by my mom deviating with the doctor. It ended with me fainting on the doctors floor..
And then I went through a terrible year where I gained everything back. I couldn't lose it, and I couldn't stop eating. I felt completely out of control. But that ended last year, with me losing it all again. But then I just recetly gained it back..I feel terrible about myself. I just want my fat to go away. My friends say I look fine..but I don't believe them.
So here is my blog of my new life. I'm starting it over again. Excercising; counting calories; going to bed with that familiar hungry feeling; hiding the fact that I don't eat; bring it on.
I know I have a eating disorder; I tried to make myself throw up today, but then caught myself by saying I just wouldn't eat anything else today. But I don't care.
" Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels"
That is so true..I'm not eating anything else today..